Understanding High-Control Groups: Is Your Church One?

*note that the author recognises that Steven Hassan has verbalised views harmful to the queer community, however, I still find his BITE Model helpful

You probably don't think of your church as a cult or a high-control group. Most people inside one don’t. It likely appears fairly normal: singing, preaching, prayer meetings, and community events.

Sure, some outsiders might consider your church too extreme or overly religious. They might see it as a little odd. But that’s what happens when you follow Jesus, right?

True believers will always face persecution for righteousness' sake. You've read it in your Bible countless times: "Blessed are those who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness." You've heard sermons about how the world will reject you. You must be willing to give up everything for Christ, even friends and family. The Bible even states that your family may turn against you.

However, underneath it all, perhaps something feels off. You might feel exhausted, anxious, or afraid to question. You know that questioning God or those He’s anointed on earth is wrong and could bring harm. Maybe you wonder why you feel trapped, even though you believe this is where you’ll find true purpose.

I'm not here to discuss specific theology or beliefs. Instead, I want to address control, coercion, and manipulation. These behaviors can manifest in any group, religious or not. If any of this resonates with you, it’s worth asking: Is this church helping you live in the truth, or is it controlling you?

What Makes Something a High-Control Group or Cult?

A cult, or high-control group, isn’t defined by their beliefs or numbers but rather by their behaviors. So, what are those behaviors?

• Manipulation

• Isolation

• Fear and guilt

• Obedience to unquestioned leaders

  
  

Signs Your Church Might Be Controlling or Cult-Like

1. Leadership Is Above Questioning

Example: Jo attended a large, charismatic church. In her church, questioning leadership was seen as a sign of spiritual rebellion. After she raised concerns about financial transparency, she was ostracized. She was told to “submit or leave,” warned that "you must not speak against God's anointed," and cautioned she was risking her salvation.

Healthy organizations welcome feedback. Controlling ones demand obedience.

2. Fear and Shame Keep You In Line

Example: The Institute in Basic Life Principles (IBLP) used shame-based teachings, especially toward women, to control behavior. Survivors report being taught that any negative life event (illness, assault, financial trouble) was due to hidden sin or lack of submission. Fear of consequences kept them compliant for years. (Source: Shiny Happy People, 2023)

Manipulation through fear and shame is a hallmark of coercive control.

3. Your Whole Life Revolves Around the Group

Example: Mark was part of a Pentecostal church. He was expected to serve in different church ministries for hours every week while working full-time. He believed this was a godly thing to do, vital for bringing souls to the kingdom. When he tried to step back to take care of his mental health, leaders said he was “choosing the cares of the world over God.” He lost his social circle overnight.

Isolation increases dependency on the group, making it harder to leave.

4. The Group Claims to Have the Only Truth

Example: Under Mark Driscoll’s leadership, Mars Hill Church cultivated an “us vs. them” mentality. Former members report being told other churches were weak or compromised and that Mars Hill was uniquely chosen by God. Dissent was labeled as spiritual immaturity or rebellion. (Source: The Rise and Fall of Mars Hill, Christianity Today, 2023)

Control over information is a textbook cult tactic. It limits your choices by limiting your perspective.

5. The Rules Change to Benefit Leadership

Example: Clara was a member of a small, independent church where leaders frequently claimed they received a “word from the Spirit” regarding decisions. When the pastor’s behavior was questioned, he claimed God told him he was above reproach. Clara’s concerns were dismissed as gossip, and she was forced out while he remained.

Double standards are a warning sign of exploitation.

6. Money, Time, and Energy Are Exploited

Example: Investigations revealed Hillsong pressured young members into unpaid labor, intense volunteering, and excessive financial giving while leadership lived extravagantly. Former volunteers report burnout, breakdowns, and exploitation disguised as faithfulness. (Source: McGowan, 2022, ABC Australia Four Corners)

Excessive demands disguised as devotion serve the leadership, not your well-being.

7. You Feel Smaller, Not Stronger

Example: Ellie was quite opinionated growing up but spent many hours in prayer to rid herself of her 'rebellious spirit.' Over time, she realized she no longer trusted herself to make decisions without approval. Her identity had been reduced to her obedience. Eventually, she recognized she’d been gaslit into believing she was incapable without the church’s guidance, which had been repackaged as God's.

Healthy communities build people up. Coercive ones break them down to make them easier to control.

Psychological Tactics You Might Notice

These behaviors often show up in high-control environments:

| Manipulation Tactic | What It Looks Like |

|----------------------------|-----------------------------------------------------|

| Love bombing | Excessive praise or attention to gain loyalty. |

| Gaslighting | Denying your reality, making you doubt yourself. |

| Thought-stopping | “Don’t question — just have faith.” |

| Shunning | Cutting off members who speak up or leave. |

| Fear-mongering | Exaggerating the dangers of the outside world. |

| Information control | Discouraging outside books, news, and opinions. |

These tactics aren’t random. They’re designed to keep you dependent and obedient.

Why It's Hard to See Clearly When You're Inside

Control happens slowly. It often starts with community, kindness, and promises of God's goodness in your life. However, over time, things change.

• You’re discouraged from thinking critically.

• You’re told your doubts are dangerous.

• You’re isolated from people who might help you see clearly.

• You’re convinced the problem is you, not the group.

  
  

“The most terrifying thing wasn’t leaving. It was realizing how much of myself I had lost as I tried to rebuild my life. I didn't even know my own likes and dislikes.” — Former member of a high-control group

Why People Stay (Even if They're Unhappy)

• Fear: Of losing friends, family, faith, and identity.

• Guilt: “If I leave, I’m betraying God, people, or my calling.”

• Hope: “Maybe it will get better once I deal with my sin and get rid of oppressive spirits.”

• Isolation: No connections outside the group.

• Shame: “Leaving proves I’m weak, sinful, or broken; plus, I would have to admit to being tricked.”

  
  

If this is all too familiar, you’re not alone. Many people stay far longer than they want to because the hooks run deep.

The Psychological Impact of High-Control Churches

Leaving isn’t just about walking out the door. These environments can leave deep, lasting scars:

• Religious Trauma Syndrome (Ward, 2011) includes anxiety, depression, nightmares, panic, and identity loss.

• Survivors often struggle with trusting themselves, boundaries, and decision-making.

• Some feel intense grief, shame, or fear of punishment for years.

  
  

What You Can Do If You're Starting to Question

1. Educate Yourself

Learn about cult dynamics, coercive control, and psychological manipulation. Knowledge can help you work through confusion.

2. Journal Your Feelings

Write down what’s happening, how you feel, what your fears are, and what you want. This may help clarify whether your instincts are being manipulated.

3. Connect with People Outside

Find safe, non-judgmental friends, support groups, or therapists—especially those familiar with religious trauma or high-control environments.

4. Take Your Time

You don’t have to make any big decisions right now. Start by listening to what you're feeling. Your doubts are worth exploring. Even the Bible says to study to show yourself approved, and that believers must always be ready to give an answer for the hope in them.

You Deserve Autonomy and Respect

A healthy group respects:

• Your boundaries

• Your questions

• Your freedom to come and go

• Your need for relationships outside the group

• Your well-being over the group’s growth

  
  

If that’s not what you’re experiencing, it’s okay to ask: Who benefits from my staying silent, confused, and exhausted?

You Are Not Alone

Thousands of people have left high-control churches and reclaimed their lives. There are amazing groups out there who will talk to you without any judgment. You are allowed to leave. You are allowed to ask questions. You are allowed to protect your peace.

Resources

• International Cultic Studies Association (ICSA)

• Religious Trauma Institute

• Freedom of Mind Resource Centre (Steven Hassan)

• Survivors of Coercive and High-Control Groups (SOCCHG) www.socchg.org

  
  

Examples are a mix of fictional case studies drawn from real experiences and survivor stories provided to media referenced.