Created to Take Abuse

I remember the day my former mother-in-law gave me Created to be His Helpmeet. It was just before my ex husband and I were married, and she spoke a phrase that I heard her repeat many times over the years-

“The only thing I want and will insist on for my sons in marriage,” she said, “is that they marry a woman who will submit to them. ”

Before I Knew What It Meant

At nineteen, I didn’t have the language for what was happening to me. I had been raised to accept abuse from men, and had it drummed into me from the time I was a small child that my father and then my husband had total authority and control over me. The idea of marriage, as it had been presented to me, was not partnership, but rather a structure designed by God, where everyone had their place.

And my place, I was told, was beneath.

I can remember my mum getting upset at how my father treated her, and comparing how he acted to how another Christian man we knew treated his wife. Dad's reply, drippininng with venom, "Yeah, and I'll tell you something about (name) and (name)! When he says sit she sits, and when he tells her to shut up she fucking well does! You might not make me get like this if you learnt to listen!"

My ex husband was no different. I still have a screenshot saved of him getting upset that I told him that the way he treated me wasn't okay. His reply was mocking that I was 'so traumatised' by the 'submission he expected of me'.

In another screenshot I have saved he blames me for the fact that he pushed me over while pregnant, saying that he pushed me because he didn't like what I said to him.

For women in fundamentalist circles, this is normal. So, the book didn’t feel shocking when I first read it.

This is what people misunderstand. They don't comprehend why those of us in these circles would constantly just accept abuse and listen to the advice in books like Created to Be His Help Meet. But the thing is, we are primed and ready for abuse and control by the time we marry.

I feel like the worst part is that some of these men don't even realise they're being abusive as such. They've been taught the same things that the women have- that wommen exist as a help meet to men, that it's his wife's job to keep him happy, and that God gave him total control over her.

Submission as Identity

The central premise of Created to be His Helpmeet is simple- a wife exists to serve her husband.

A husband and wife are not equal partners nor collaborators, but master and helper.

Her purpose is defined by him, and her value is measured by how well she meets his needs, supports his desires, and submits to his authority.

The book categorises women into different “types,” each one a warning or an aspiration. There are women who are contentious, women who are rebellious, women who are selfish; and then there is the “ideal” helpmeet. She is cheerful, compliant, and endlessly accommodating.

Reading it as a young bride-to-be, I didn’t see these categories as manipulative. I saw them as a checklist. A way to be good. A way to be loved.

And that's the underlying message- if you submit correctly and if you serve well enough, your marriage will thrive. If it doesn’t, the problem is you.

Rewriting Reality

One of the most insidious aspects of the book is how it reframes harmful behaviour.

If a husband is distant, it’s because his wife has failed to meet his needs.

If he is angry, she must not be respectful enough.

If he is unfaithful, she has not been attentive or available.

If he is cruel, she is called to endure it with grace.

There is no category in which the husband is fundamentally at fault. His behaviour might be acknowledged, but it is always explained, justified, or redirected back onto the wife’s responsibility.

I learned, slowly and painfully, that this way of thinking doesn’t just affect how you see your husband, it changed how you see yourself- especially when your husband is constantly stating the same ideas. These days, I use the phrase 'divinely mandated gaslighting' to describe how it feels to have god on your abuser's side.

I began to question my own perceptions. If something felt wrong, I assumed I was misunderstanding it. If I felt hurt, I told myself I was being too sensitive. If I wanted something different- more kindness, more mutuality, more space- I interpreted that desire as selfishness.

The book had given both of us a framework where my instincts were unreliable, and his authority was absolute.

When Men Are Taught This Is “Love”

For a long time, I thought of the book as something that harmed women, and it very much does.

But I also believe these ideas are harmful to men, too- not in the same way, but in a way that creates harm outward.

These ideas don't just teach wives how to behave, but it shapes men and informs husbands.

These ideas tell men that leadership means authority without accountability, and that respect is something owed to them, regardless of how they behave. They're taught from early childhood that their needs- emotional, sexual, practical- are inherently more important and more legitimate than their wife’s.

They're taught that if something is wrong in the marriage, the solution is not self-reflection, but greater submission from their wife.

When someone is handed that kind of power framed as God-given, morally justified, and necessary for order, it doesn’t just sit there harmlessly. It turns men who may have been good husbands and fathers with different socialisation into abusers.

The way they see their wife is fundamentally informed by ideas like the ones put forward in Created to be His Helpmeet, and so they do not see her as an equal.

They do not see her as someone to listen to, grow with, or be challenged by; but as someone to direct, correct, and as someone whose role is to stabilise their life by absorbing their needs.

Even good men -men who might otherwise have been kind, collaborative partners- can be reshaped by this framework because it removes the need for mutuality and hands them absolute power. It replaces empathy with entitlement, and accountability with spiritualised authority.

And for men who are already controlling, already inclined toward anger or dominance, it doesn’t just enable that behaviour.

It sanctifies it.

The Honeymoon Story That Stayed With Me

There’s a story early on in the Pearls’ teachings about their honeymoon. It’s told almost like a lesson- light, a little humorous, meant to illustrate a deeper truth about submission.

But when you sit with the story, it's deeply unsettling and horrifying.

The story describes conflict, discomfort, and a dynamic where Debi is expected to yield to Michael’s lead regardless of her own feelings or needs. In fact, she passes out because of how badly he treats her.

In the book it’s framed as a formative moment, a kind of early training in what marriage is meant to look like.

What it communicates, beneath the surface, is this- from the very beginning, it is the wife's job to bend.

There is no sense that both people are learning each other, negotiating boundaries, or building something together. Instead, the expectation is immediate alignment and deference.

I remember reading that story before I got married and thinking, this is normal. I mean, I'd seen it mirrored in my own parent's marriage, and in the stories I heard about my mother-in-law's marriage it seemed clear to me that she had the same dynamic in her's.

So, when my own honeymoon felt disorienting; and when my ex husband reminded me that in the Bible Sarah called Abraham her 'Lord', and I felt like I was being reshaped into something more meek and compliant, I didn’t question it.

I thought I was doing it right, and becoming the submissive wife God wanted me to be.

The Erasure of Self

There is a quiet but persistent message throughout Created to Be His Help Meet- your desires as a wife do not matter.

It doesn’t say, “You are nothing.” It says something more subtle; that your fulfillment will come through him, and your joy is found in serving him. Your identity is his wife and helper, and your desires and needs are nothing compared to his.

Over time, the effect is the same.

I stopped asking myself what I wanted, because it didn’t seem relevant. Decisions- big and small- were filtered through one question, 'what would make him happy?'

What should I wear?

What should I say?

How should I respond?

Even my emotions became something to manage for his benefit. If I was upset, I worked to hide it or reframe it so it wouldn’t inconvenience him leading to anger.

If I disagreed, I swallowed it.

If I felt overwhelmed, I told myself to be more cheerful.

Because the “ideal” wife is not just obedient, but joyful in her obedience. She does not merely comply; she delights in it, and counts her suffering as joy.

And if you don’t feel that delight, the problem is not the system. The problem is your heart.

Sexual Availability and Obligation

One of the areas where the book becomes particularly harmful is in its discussion of sex.

A wife’s body, in this framework, is not her own. It is presented as something that exists for her husband’s needs, his desires, his satisfaction. The idea of mutual consent is replaced with duty, and refusal is framed not as a boundary, but as a failure.

There is a strong emphasis on being sexually available regardless of mood, health, or emotional state.

The underlying message is clear- there is not such thing as marital rape, and your husband’s sexual needs are legitimate and urgent; your discomfort is secondary.

But again, this doesn’t just affect women.

It teaches men that access is expected, that intimacy is something they are owed, and that their demands for sex are justified.

They are taught that her hesitation is a problem to be corrected, and not a boundary to be respected.

For someone raised within this framework, it becomes very difficult to even recognise coercion, because everything has been reframed as righteousness.

I didn’t have the language to call it what it was at the time. I just knew that something felt deeply wrong, and that I was somehow at fault for feeling that way.

Harm Reframed as Virtue

Perhaps the most dangerous aspect of the book is how it handles harmful or abusive behaviour.

There are passages and anecdotes that describe men who are controlling, angry, neglectful, even cruel- and the consistent advice given to women is to endure, to submit more fully, and to respond with kindness and obedience.

The idea is that a wife’s submission has the power to transform her husband, and that her patience and compliance will eventually soften him, change him, bring him closer to God.

It sounds hopeful, but in practice, it traps women in harmful situations.

And more than that, it protects the harm.

When women are taught that their role is to absorb, to endure, and to stay no matter what, it removes the natural consequences of abusive behaviour. It removes accountability.

And when men are taught that their authority is divinely sanctioned, that their wives are responsible for the emotional and relational health of the marriage, it creates an environment where abuse can flourish unchecked.

When Women Are Told Not to Seek Help

One of the things that haunted me most, as I got older and started to see the broader impact of these teachings, was the way women who reached out for help were often guided back into silence.

There are stories recorded in the book of women who wrote to the Pearls describing deeply concerning situations. Emotional abuse, physical abuse, and in some cases, sexual abuse.

Instead of being told to seek safety, to involve authorities, and to prioritise their wellbeing, the advice given often circled back to the same core message- submit more. Do not sin and dishonour your husband by exposing his mistake, and don’t bring in outside intervention that could “damage” the marriage. Just submit.

Reporting abuse was framed not as protection, but as sin and failure; and when you are already conditioned to believe that your role is to preserve the marriage at all costs, that message lands heavily.

Women that their safety is secondary to their husband's ego and comfort; and that their suffering and endurance is holiness.

It teaches men that what happens inside the marriage is insulated, and that there is a buffer between their behaviour and any real consequences.

The Psychological Impact

Living under these expectations doesn’t just affect your behaviour, but reshapes your mind.

I became hyper-aware of everything I did, constantly monitoring myself for signs of rebellion or selfishness. I analysed my thoughts, my tone, my expressions, trying to align them with what I believed was expected of me.

There was a constant undercurrent of anxiety- 'am I doing this right? Am I being a good wife? Am I submitting enough? I must not be if he's treating me like this'

Beneath that a sense of disconnection from myself grew, and a meek, submissive wife took the place of the fiery young girl I'd been.

When you are taught to override your instincts, suppress your needs, and redefine your reality, you begin to lose the ability to recognise who you are.

The Promise That Doesn’t Deliver

The book promises that if you follow its teachings, your marriage will flourish- that submission will bring harmony, joy, and fulfilment.

But that promise is conditional, and ultimately hollow.

It depends entirely on one person having power, and the other relinquishing it, and it assumes that the person in power will use it benevolently. That he will be kind, fair, and self-controlled; but it provides no safeguards if he is not. No mechanisms for accountability. No recognition that power, when unchecked, can be misused.

In my experience, the more I tried to embody the “ideal” helpmeet, the more the imbalance grew. The more I gave, the more was expected. The more I diminished myself, the less space there was for me to exist at all.

Why This Matters

Created to Be His Help Meet is often presented as a guide for strong, godly marriages, and is recommended in certain communities, passed down between women, given as a gift with good intentions.

But intention does not negate impact.

And the impact, for many women, is profound harm.

It reinforces unequal power dynamics.

It normalises control and abuse.

It erodes autonomy and self-worth.

It traps women in cycles of blame and endurance.

And it teaches men that dominance is love, that authority is righteousness, and that accountability is optional.

And perhaps most dangerously, it does all of this while presenting itself as love.

If You’re Reading This

If this sounds familiar- if you’ve read the book, or lived under its teachings, or been told that your role is to submit no matter what- I want you to know something I wish someone had told me:

You are allowed to exist fully.

You are allowed to have needs, boundaries, opinions, desires.

You are allowed to expect respect, kindness, and mutuality.

You are allowed to question.

And you are allowed to leave any framework that requires you to disappear in order to be loved.

I still own that book, not because I agreed with it, but because it represents something real- something I lived through, something that shaped me in ways I am still untangling.

I don’t see it as a harmless piece of advice anymore.

I see it as a blueprint for control- one that doesn’t just harm the women told to follow it, but empowers the men taught to expect it.

And I see, now, the cost of trying to live by it.